Today is day 36/40. It felt good to be able to share “a day ahead” when I started sharing “this now 40,” there was breath around being able to write because I was, a day ahead. The last few days, even while just sharing the back-story to catch you up, I am writing in the middle of full-on-feelings. As our family approaches the “end” of His set 40 for us, the air is palpable. This air is not that of doubt but maybe it’s that of the temptation to doubt. Like Jesus in the desert, as we let ourselves be reminded of who He is in Scripture and add to that, all He has shared with us personally over the past few weeks, we are able to breathe deeply, live in genuine peace, and remain expectant. The other air which I notice as the mama of this flock is the world wanting answers from us and my type-A self wanting to make them! There are many commitments which were initiated prior to “this now 40” e.g. children’s schooling, Audrey’s drama, boys sports, hosting commitments, the ever wonder around my working world (the list goes on-and-on) and we’d like to just move forward. God has however, offered us a proposal to “stay” mentally, emotionally, physically while in His 40 so we are but it is only by actively choosing to “stay” which for me has brought many audible sighs. All this to give you a peek into our family's humanness and how in certain moments it has been a challenge. You relate at all?
Back to the back-story… Remember how I let you know Ryan and I were given a few moments to be together as husband and wife without life’s demands. The easy way to say that is… we had some child-free days! The shift which happened due to COVID made the hope of this steal-away time even sweeter. Him and I had plans to go to the Lake house, and we were very ready! We had planned it so the children were away Wednesday evening June 24th, giving Ryan and I one night here in Mount Joy, then Ryan would go to work Thursday and upon his return we’d then leave for the other house until Sunday. As I grew expectant for this free time, I was super excited for my time on Thursday, a treasured time, very needed and a welcomed rarity! Anyone else?!?
Well… Wednesday night while I was in a zoom meeting I received a text from a dear friend who had recently moved away, letting me know their family was headed into town the next day and would stay for the weekend to attend a wedding and they had hoped to connect with us. My heart was sad because time spent with them always adds to our life and there is no known “next time” when we’d see them but with us headed out of town, our connecting with them wasn’t meant to be. I did know however, and when I say know, I mean no quicker did I know we couldn’t see them I KNEW to offer them the opportunity to stay here while we were away. As the home-maker here, I also KNEW what it would mean to offer this space to them, a family of six.
Now for a little more humanness from me...
I think I genuinely love everyone, really. I see God and His craftsmanship in everyone He has allowed me to meet BUT because I am yet on this side of heaven I am not able to love them all well, all the time. I know this is part of life, especially a life lived in faith, and I don’t pretend to be anyone different. Because I know of my inability to love everyone well when I sense an internal struggle I aim to let myself hear and feel it. The struggle in this moment was knowing I was to offer this house to them and knowing what it would cost. In this case it would cost me my initial plans for my Thursday. Then there’s the struggle on top of the struggle being so annoyed with myself that I even waste time struggling. It’s so silly. I love my friends, and I want to want to serve, but alas sometimes I want what I want too. I felt the tinge of annoyance, the sense of obligation. But, no! Jesus is never in obligation. He is only and always offering opportunity. I’ve learned this. I know this. As I let myself live in the felt part of this struggle Jesus brought me into alignment with Him and His love for me and for His saints and by this I know I am not losing out on anything. I get to celebrate trusting Him in the mundane. I get to let Him bring me riches of Himself which far outweighs that which I want because really and truly, He is who and what I want. Loving well here meant time and effort put forth into hoping this precious family, His precious family, would feel welcomed and loved by this clean and ready space. Yes, with His heart in us cleaning toilets, scouring tubs, laundering towels, stripping/washing/remaking five beds, vacuuming, dusting is all worth it to provide a His welcomed space to those in need.
When I extended the offer to them it was a tremendous gift which they greatly appreciated because it was proving difficult for them to juggle the commitments they had of being in the wedding all from one room in a hotel 30+ minutes away and also… handling this time with their dog.
Right, after I extended the offer and received her resounding yes, she followed up with, “I forgot, is it okay if we bring our dog?”
To which I let her know how to be mindful of our cats but, “Sure!” because this opportunity was meant to be a gift for them from JESUS, not from me...