The struggle is real. This is written on day three of another start to His (Jesus) said ‘six day work week’ for me with regards to time set aside for sharing our stories with some side-thoughts mingled in. I’m a morning person. Maybe you’ve read before I tend to rise in the early 5am hour, slip into the kitchen for a cup of hot lemon water followed by preparing my one cup of coffee then steal-away up the stairs for some sacred time. These past few years this sacred time has been enjoyed with no determined end time allowing me to linger and learn with Jesus (I absolutely recognize the gift in this). So... when I came to clearly understand His suggestion for me to spend “two hours a day, six days a week writing,” I thought, no problem, I can do that... ha!
Well, here I am six-plus months later. I indeed followed through and lived out His instructions for a solid stretch of time then one day, one particular dagger came and it indeed pierced me. I knew daggers could come. After it happened I was even reminded of the words which I penned on the first intentional blog post where I shared…
My new courageousness looks something like this… I am choosing to confidently and humbly use mental strength and persevere in sharing my thoughts and ponderments from my day-to-day living. I acknowledge the fear within telling me not to, and I accept the reality of facing difficulties which may come by being exposed and vulnerable. Jesus, has lit this path, this path I will walk.
However, don’t we all know knowing something versus living through it are entirely different. I enjoyed eating this new and lovely piece of humble pie :-) Needless to say, the dagger experience caused me to pause. I didn’t stop writing but I did stop sharing. Ultimately I am grateful for this experience. New light was shed upon the opportunity to continue growing in, and with, the real grace offered by God minus the old god I knew, the god of the gavel.
The gavel god. Do you know this god? A gavel is a small mallet with which a judge hits a surface to call for attention or order. For many years of my life this was the only god I knew. The poised and ready gavel was gripped by an angry god, a spiteful and mocking god who was never pleased. The exposed surface due to receive the blow was my heart. Friend, this god is not the God of Christ Jesus. I had no relationship with the gavel god and still this god was very effective in steering my days, my life. If you have come to live your days under this gavel believing this is the path to life, may I introduce to you Jesus. Through Jesus you are invited to know The God of love. In Him and through His Spirit you can live a life of peace and purpose. I have come to know no human relationship can compare to communing with Him. Friend, if you desire to know more let’s talk over tea, this could serve as a mutual gift even at 6 feet apart.
Back to the dagger days… When I stopped sharing was the gavel god lording over me for ‘not following through’ after such clear guidance from Jesus suggesting to “work six days a week for two hours a day?” Yes. He absolutely was there and he brought his poisonous pal ‘shame’ with him and together they were nipping at me. This destructive duo desired to make my dagger wound irreparable. They desired my blood, my life-force, to completely spill out stealing from me the ability to move forward with this set path of intentionally writing. Thank you Jesus for letting me know shame is never ever of You and I never ever need to cower in the corner wondering if or when a gavel will come. You are the pursuer and protector of my heart, my safest place and I love You.
So why the dagger, especially since I was doing what Jesus said? This question begs to be unpacked, but I’ll save those words for another day. For our here and now, I can confidently say all my days, including those with daggers, are part of how Jesus desires to let me see Him for who He is, and myself for who He is making me to be. Do you believe the same is true for you in all you live through? Jesus was present in my pain brought by the dagger. He is present with you in your pain. He will never ask us to ignore the cause of the pain or the pain itself instead, He offers new hope. His hope is life amidst the pain.
In times of hurt and hardship He reminds us we are a new creation and we are not slaves to the lies which used to bind us. Having Jesus with us and His acknowledgement of our pain we know we will be okay even if it is not okay therefore our next moment, our next thought, our next effort can be one decided in confidence. In His presence we are able to see our choices clearly, we can linger in the pain, possibly using our time there to complain or blame but then ultimately bleed out or, we can hear His life bringing words, receive His salve and continue to live. I type out this progression as though it happens through a few swift moments. I guess that could be the case but most often, at least for me, the digesting (but not ingesting) of the pain happens through the passing of time all while continuing to feast upon Jesus’ whispered words of life, here healing happens. As we receive His words for us our love for Him and confidence in Him grows making us able to continue living and loving, even while knowing more daggers will come.
Do we trust Him to be to us and for us the love we proclaim He is to others? Do we let Him show us how He is present in our pain? Do we trust Him to apply His healing salve? I’m not gonna lie, the salve He uses to save us at times may sting a little or even a lot. Dear one, if you are willing to hear me, know you can trust His selection and application of the ointment you need to be perfect for you are worth it. In this most recent experience Jesus gently applied His salve to all which this wound brought forth including my fits of frustration, times of tears, being disillusioned and bewildered and best yet, my resistance to remaining vulnerable.
May your heart be encouraged and reminded that if Jesus has been with me He will remain with you. You are not alone if you are living in and through a recent dagger experience. Since we are choosing to be hidden in Jesus we get to remember He was the one who ultimately received the dagger wound and while the dagger was long enough to reach us and pierce us He is still covering us and He is ready to apply His perfect salve so that new life will be ours. Let’s not let the daggers keep us down.