Today’s sharing is a smidge longer. Today is a very special anniversary for me and our flock and I just can’t seem to shave it down <3 Following is my journal entry from September 30, 2016 which was just a few days before my original spinal fusion surgery date. There are not enough words in the world to help me share appropriately the gift the surgery ultimately brought to me, to us. Join me as I recall God’s gift to us and share a bit of my heart from then…
September 30, 2016…
Upon turning the page of this journal it’s October and the 3rd is just 3 days away. This is the day You have brought to me for an opportunity of PRAISE! It’s good the exclamation point went there, post praise, because that is it. As much as I am tempted to be afraid, I know deep with Your Spirits peace within me that this is what You have for me. To think of ALL that has had to line up to make this surgery even an option then, You gave me so many confirmations <3 You are with me. You know the outcome and best, You know my heart. You know all the ways I struggle with our flocks situation and Ryan’s work situation. Even writing that out has caused me to pause and breath deep. I trust you LORD.
As I think through the upcoming procedure I will lay before you my monkey mind. Thank you Jesus for hearing me ask and may my expectation of goodness in and through Your name BE.
May our last day together as a flock be a truly peaceful day for us.
Between today and tomorrow may ALL the stuff get done! I’m asking for clarity and discipline to honor these duties.
May I be able to easily braid my hair early Monday morning.
May I be okay in my head and heart Monday from my very waking moment (special shower, drive into Lancaster, registration, and the roll-away).
That as they give me the gown, IV, hairnet, and initials, I am able to delight in the medical teams giftedness!
In the roll-away time, may I be able to be at peace and open to Your whispers over me.
May ALL the fluids which enter my veins be part of a miraculous gift for me with no adverse reactions.
While I drift from the conscious world, may I feel You with me and know angels are attending me. May beauty be given to me and at no point may I have a memory of the sense of being physically violated.
May the cut which is made be perfect for my perfectly flawed tummy.
May there be an ease with all the tools and hands being used to reach my spine. May they be delighted with the ease of everything being seen and moved, or seen and untouched.
May there be no accidental knicks.
May my pulse be perfect.
May the intubation be perfect with no residual gunk or leftover razor pain.
May the catheterization be easy for them with no residual razor pain.
May Dr. Kuhlengel have perfect wisdom, steady breath, and steady hands to rebuild my spine.
May the instrumentaion be perfectly suited for my spine.
May the screws which are used for stabilization be perfect and exactly be what my hyperlordosis self needs.
May the stem cells drawn from my side-lying vertebrate be the awesome ones needed which will bring an amazing recovery.
As my spine portion is finished, may there be nothing left in me, no gauze, tools, etc!
As Dr. Bacharach steps back into surgeon role, may each part of my abdomen fall back to fit like a glove.
May all my organs have no issue functioning and instead work better than they did pre-surgery.
May I ultimately have no or very little constipation issues and abdominal displacement pain.
May the sutures which are used miraculously aide in my healing.
May the scar be one I like.
Afterwards Father as they bring me back may I be radiant — not in any way like death! Really, truly may I be warm with color, no swelling issues, no nausea. Just radiant, because You say so.
As I come to being awake may I smile.
As I am newly awake may I have a sense of the procedure having been a miracle for me <3
May I understand what is working with my body with regards to pain management.
May I delight in each hurdle (pee, poo, stand, walk, step up…) that is asked of me.
May my sleep be amazing.
May Ryan sense what is not spoken, meet me there, and serve with a new heartbeat for me, for us.
May I understand what is best for me in each step of my recovery.
May this time of rest be fruitful and may my coming home be perfect.
May my children delight in being who You’ve made them to be. Audrey, noble and strong with her sweet compassion. Spencer, warrior lover on those who need him (me and his siblings). Caleb, hugger extraordinaire and remain in tune with how he can serve with joy.
May every day
of every month
through this time
and forever more
be a miracle!